And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
