My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
