I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I am one with the molecules
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
