Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
