My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
