I'm so fucking centered right now
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
