I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
