I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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