Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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