Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
