There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
