someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Randomize
