I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
