My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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