once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Hippo gnu deer
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
