I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
