just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
