I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize