Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
