I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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