When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
