apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
