I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
