Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The air taste purple.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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