All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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