make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
