and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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