if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
