i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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