the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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