i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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