ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
