census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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