Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
