It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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