that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
