Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
