There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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