I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
