pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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