After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
