Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize
