did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize