God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
