i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
