whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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