Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
