Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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