Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
