I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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