eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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