Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
