His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
