i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
