That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
