the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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